sisters

this weekend i got to spend time with all of my sisters...this is me, amanda, and becca...we had been swimming all afternoon so we may not look our best, but it was great to spend time together, well when we werent fighting, after all, somethings never change...

is this what i am coming home too???

i went home this weekend, and my most memorable moment would have to be the one where i met the new family pet...he frequents my backyard, eats the cat's food, and is not scared away easily...but isnt he cute, any name suggestions?

my most recently purchased new favorite and most used object....my lapdesk...yes i am a loser, i use it all the time...it is wonderful, i can now sit on my couch and study in comfort...i can spread out all of my junk and get things done...i feel so much more efficeint...gosh i am a dork, arent i?

so i visited with copeland today, which in itself is always an experience, and guess what we talked about...well, all of you that have been keeping up with the choir blog probably have a really good guess, now dont get me wrong, that is not all we talked about, i also updated him on my plans for the next year, and we discussed some of the upcoming plans of the choir (sniff sniff)...but the whole marriage conversation really stuck with me...the thing, i mean, that stuck with me is how i participated in this conversation, you see if you had heard my conversations on the subject three years ago it would be a totally different subject, and well, it kinda suprised me when i really stepped back and listened to myself today...anyway this all has prompted me to shed a little light on the "other perspective"...see all i have been hearing on this matter is people's opinions, and generally these opinions are nothing but that...most of the people talking about this subject in our social rehlm have a completly different view than the people who have been there...granted there are many people, and many of my firends from highschool that are happily married, the continuation of this post is not at all to say that young marriages dont work (b/c in many cases they do), the following is a look into the mind, heart, and soul of someone who has lived the argument that we have all been having, but this argument is internal:

"well, you just don't understand...we are in love and that is just not going to change. i mean what do you know. i have grown up so much in my first year of college, i think that i know better than anyone else, what i want in my life and how i want it to happen. we are so great together, i just can't imagine my life without him, and i just know that it is not going to change. i know that it wil be hard...im not stupid, but by this is going to work. i...we are going to make it work, i just know that this is God's will......."

"hm,that was strange, its never bothered me before, oh well.im better

now..."

"okay, this is not exactly what i had planned. im supposed to be in this place, things should be certain, i dont really know what...no, its okay, we can work though it, its not a big deal, it just me being stupid...we will make this work, after all its just a minor detail..."

"have i always felt this way about this subject...i cant remember, well yeah, its what i was taught, but i dont know if i feel the same way about it now...its seems so different"

"okay, take a breath, what have i done, i dont know if this is right, i mean, i shouldnt feel like this, right? it should be the other way, not this way, is this right, am i righ . . .stop it, stop it, your just not trying hard enough...dont cry, now then go back, your just being silly...you have to make this work"

"im in too deep, there is no turning back...it doesnt matter what i feel like sometimes, its all in my head...ok, ok, ok...im just nervous, other times its great...plus, well, its too late, suck it up...youve made my bed and you have to lie in it...the end"

"there is no one would understand, no one...it would ruin everything, my entire life if i, and his, and i cant, i am right, all those people who said it wouldnt work, they arent right, i am...you know, i just cant, i have to go through with it..."

"i cant....."

"okay, here goes........"

almost two years later...and well, i am still alive, and you know what i am more alive than ever...my experience helped shape me into who i am today, so i cant have any regrets, and you know what....i dont

so, one definite plan for the upcoming future...taking the MCAT...oh and it will remain official b/c i just forked over the money to take it...i figure God is giving me this year for a reason, why not weigh all of my options and knock on every unlocked door...i know i want to help people and i love medicine...so next logical choice, being a doctor...im going to see how i do on the test and apply to a few medical schools, in addition to a good number of pharmacy schools...surely with alot of open doors one will have to be right for me...

well, it's over...i got an email today telling me that i have been taken off the waiting list, so that door is closed...now i look forward, but everything is just blurry, but ya know what...maybe blurry isn't so bad, yes i like structure and definition, but maybe this is what i need...God is using this experience to teach me something, and i just have to be patient and keep my eyes open...i will learn from this and i will grow as a person...i move home in about three weeks, i have put in applications to the hospital that my mom works at and i am waiting on my acceptance letter from hinds (the local junior college)...ill work full time, take a couple of classes, save some money, and open a few more doors for myself...it will definitely be a growing experience, and i am trying my hardest to be thankful for it...

happy fourth of july!!! this is what we did tonight (this is not us, i forgot my camera), we walked to homewood park, had a picnic with bbq, and laid on the grass while watching the fireworks over red mountain...it was great, sure beats last year when i watched them from the hospital...there were so many families at the park, it made me feel like we were a family (i know, i know im getting too girly)...anyway, i need to try to get some rest i have to be back at work at 630 in the morning...i sure hope the kids stop celebrating with fireworks (they are right behind my bedroom window)...oh well, good night all